People often come to me for relationship advice.
I agree, hilarious!
But in all honesty I’m actually pretty fantastic at telling other people what to do, just terrible at following my own advice
This is also helpful, because it means when they do trip up again and fall back into their default trauma pattern I’m totally compassionate- I’ve so been there …. and so many times.
The aim isn’t perfecting the don’t get triggered cycle, it’s notice when you are triggered more and more often and practice being what you need in that situation rather than expecting somebody else to fill the void for you – or pretending there’s not a void at all.
Below is a very common replica of many relationship conversations
The anxious attachment type over explaining, begging for validation, the sheer length of the message screaming will you just please hold me
While the avoidant attachment type is going ew feelings, fuck off
When the next message from the anxious type is another looooong message I say to my friends “Oh shit, you just anxioused all over an avoidant”
This is a guaranteed way to make them run away or offer you absolutely no level of commitment but hey we can still shag- just no promises ok!
If you ever get a message back off a potential partner or a partner after you’ve just done a full disclosure the only suggested next move is stop texting
“Oh god no I would die!!! I feel so anxious! I just have to know that we are actually ok” is not the healthy response here
If you never hear from him/her/they again because you didn’t follow up
If he/she/they cannot be fucked even texting you
He/she/they should have no access to you
The reason there are so many players in the game is because of how easily they get away with it!
The number of low effort, avoidant people getting exactly what they want – pleasure without any risk of pain is mind blowing.
Why on earth would they ever realise they have to step up if they are being rewarded for simply being hot or saying hi once or twice a week- at midnight on a weekend and throwing you a few compliments- usually ones that belittle their ex and elevate you!
If you want the whole bakery don’t kid yourself – they aren’t going to step up if they are offering you crumbs and you’re saying ok then that’ll do
And if you’re feeling the need to send a mile long messages to get attention that’s a cue to not text just yet.
Put your crown on first.
What you’re actually looking for in that moment is for someone to finally tell you that you’re worth making a priority and honey that’s your job to do first so that when someone doesn’t make you a priority you can say ok bye, Thankyou next.
People only get away with what they actually get away with.
It’s our duty to decide for ourselves that low effort, emotionally demanding and emotionally avoidant is a no.
And if it’s us that’s being pretty toxic…. we own it and we do the work