I’m back from the other side!
The dark hole I found myself in this week was not fun, but it was absolutely necessary and that’s what I want to write about today.
We shouldn’t be afraid of the dark.
It’s in the dark that we are able to see the things trapping us in patterns that don’t serve us anymore.
These dark moments are the gift.
They are the true chance of freeing your mind and we need to allow ourselves to go there.
For me I think of my own emotions like I do settling a toddler.
When I push Rumi aside like she’s being stupid for feeling what she’s feeling she carries on a million times more – it’s a literal scream – just fucking listen to me and if I refuse to listen it doesn’t end – we just both break. When I hold her and say that’s really hard and really unfair she settles. No biggie. She was seen and validated and that’s all our literal inner child needs too.
This weeks news that my ex is having a baby boy with his new partner spiralled me into a mythological type story.
The gossip fed back to me that people in my old town have been overheard saying “at least this one of Leets children won’t have issues, it’s not coming from Katrina” cut like a knife.
The unworthiness, the rejection and the desire to be seen as something other than the monster piercing through so many layers of my being – irrational and painful but necessary because I didn’t know that pain was still in there.
That pain unacknowledged has the power to sever future relationships.
So I needed to go in deep.
I needed to let those irrational, painful thoughts rise and not sugar coat them away or bandaid them with any form of distraction I could find.
Acknowledge that no one else needs to understand this pain I’m feeling – it’s an accumulation of so many stories I have been fed and consumed over the years I need to go there and decide whether that’s still a story I believe.
So that’s what I did and am doing.
I have let the tears flow as I let go even more of the past.
This new chapter in Leet’s life has nothing to do with me and isn’t a reflection of me, no matter who is looking in and deciding it should be compared.
My love for him as a person is so strong that I genuinely want nothing but the life of his dreams for him.
My love for me as a person is so strong that I genuinely want nothing but the life of my dreams for me.
They are now two different stories and the more I can disentangle myself from the old, the more I can watch his story unfold with joy and not pain.
Co-dependence on an identity still exists post relationship. It needs to be consciously redefined. You don’t just end a relationship and leave all the old stories you came to believe about yourself behind.
There are still people and aspects of myself defining me based upon who I was in that environment.
I’m still being reminded of how people view me.
I’m still seeing how little space there is for neurodiverisity – you either ‘fit’ or you don’t. You mask or you’re reminded consistently that you’re weird and should be taught how to pretend to be like the status quo decides you should be.
And because I allowed myself to feel the hurt and acknowledge that I was being triggered and needed self parenting, holding space for myself and validating that it was absolutely ok for me to feel whatever I was feeling I got to look at this again.
I got to look at it and come out the other side smiling that that old story is no longer my truth.
I have found people that love my weird.
I have a community, a village now, that look at my children and I and say you guys are fucking awesome- not the constant belittling we used to face.
I got to learn that not fitting in one place doesn’t mean you’ll never fit in.
I was brave enough to let my freak flag fly, leave an environment that didn’t have a place for me and now I get to write a new story.
And the best part is I get to believe it